I love zombies…The bumper sticker on the car in front of me this morning caused me to do a double take. Zombie mania has morphed to zombie love if the movie Warm Bodies and several zombie romance titles are any indication. I haven’t delved into the genre, but here’s a few of my zombie lover comparisons against other romantically featured creatures.
Vamps vs. Zombies:
- Vamps suck your blood at erogenous and ticklish zones such at your neck or femoral artery. It’s in their best interest not to kill you if they like wining and dining on you. Zombies on the other hand have you for dinner in one sitting, sans the erotic foreplay.
- Some vamps fly or turn into bats. Good for speedy exits and saves on airfare Zombies can’t even remember how to drive a car.
- Vamps have sexy incisors. A zombie has rotting teeth and halitosis that hydrochloric acid can’t cure.
- Most vamps only come out at night, leaving you the day to get things done. Zombies stalk you 24/7.
- Vamps are jealous lovers. A zombie will share you like a buffet and move on once he’s gleaned your bones.
Werewolves vs. Zombies:
- You only have to worry about weres during a full moon unless you’re in True Blood world. I’ll take a hot-blooded Alcide Herveaux any day over a corpse. Again, zombies never sleep.
- Weres pass as regular people. Your neighbor or lover might be one and you won’t know until you piss them off or catch them shifting. Watch for hair on the sheets in the morning. Zombies keep you up all night and not in a good way. Farts in bed smell like a bouquet of flowers compared to their body odor.
- Werewolves make loyal lovers (they mate for life) and you can’t beat that long, playful tongue! They are also great protectors. Zombies are use-you lose-you lovers.
- Fairy or Fae are humanlike and said to be handsome and gorgeous creatures. Hollywood is probably full of them. Adam Black, in Karen Moning’s novel, Immortal Highlander can sift me anywhere. Zombies look like – well– the walking dead.
- Some Fae may be egotistical and sullen if they don’t get their way, but they are supposed to be masters at providing multi-orgasms. Zombies don’t appear to be even interested in kissing (unless eating your lips) much less foreplay or sex. I’ve often wondered if males can get it up or do they have a constant rigor mortis woody.
- Fae live longer than vamps and are usually very intelligent, beyond worldly in fact. Zombies don’t even know their names, but on the plus side, with their frontal cortex gone, they don’t bullshit or lie.
After much consideration, the way I could love about a zombie – catching one in the crosshairs of a scope.